To you…at 31 weeks.

We’re closing out 31 weeks which means we’re nearly 8 weeks away from your debut! How did this happen so fast? There are still so many things I have to say to you before you arrive not to mention things to do like get crackin’ on your nursery, figure out my maternity leave, etc. etc. I’m feeling a tad unprepared but so damn excited at the same time, I could pee my pants. Or maybe that’s a sign that I need to practice my kegel exercises – ah, something else to add to the to-do list!

This week was much better than last. My spirits are up, I’m back to enjoying the swell of my midsection, and feeling the “glow” wash over me. It doesn’t hurt that everyone I meet seems to have something nice to say to me about this pregnancy. Note to self, in the future, shower all pregnant women with compliments whether they look like they need them or not. It’s amazing how such a small act of kindness like telling a woman that it does not look an entire box of coffee cake affixed itself to her ass – even if it does – can go a long way.

Aside from spending all day, everyday, staring at my body in the mirror with a sense of awe – I’m so vain – I’ve really spent the better part of this week thinking about your grandparents. My parents keep saying that it’s so crazy to think that “their baby is having a baby” and since Mike and I are both the youngest of two kids, I imagine his parents feel the same way and I’m guessing that this is really a reflective time for them all.

Watching your kids grow up has got to be a difficult process, even when they’re on the right path and making good decisions for themselves. I hope our parents know that even if we act like we’ve got this whole adult thing figured out, it’s all a facade. We sure do need them a whole lot still. For instance,while Mike will assume the role of my birth companion, I can’t imagine not having my mom in the room during labor and delivery. My dad is still my go-to for all things handy and he bails us out of sticky situations time and time again – like offering to meet the men delivering your crib while we’re at work. And, while they may live across the country, Mike still looks to his dad for advice on how to be a good, strong, and supportive father and he turns to his mom for encouragement when he feels overwhelmed at what the future holds.

You see, when you’re the baby in the family, you kind of assume that role at all times no matter how old you get. I know that Mike and I have gone through our own individual mourning for the babies we will no longer be. Even after we married, we still got to play the “baby” card but those days are numbered. We’ll soon be forced into adulthood and the rest of the world will see us as mature adults. I’d be lying if I said that a part of each of us still hopes our parents do not though. Being the baby is great and I don’t know that we’re ready to let it go quite yet.

But enough about our drama.

You, little girl face, are our baby. And whether another child or 10 more come later, you will always be our “first” baby which is a special role all of its own. You were created out of such an extreme love I feel like you’re going to come out glowing like a little cupid. You were 100% wanted, planned, and thought about long before you were a reality. You will forge the way for any future siblings and we’ll learn about this whole parenthood/childhood thing together. I can’t promise it will always be easy and I can almost surely guarantee we’ll make mistakes along the way but I already know you’re going to be patient with us and trust that our hearts are always in the right place.

Someday, you will go off into the world on an incredible adventure and I’ll have no choice but to stand aside and wave so long. I can tell you now, it will kill me. While I will be so proud of you, that is a moment I dread for my own selfish reasons. But hopefully, like I did with my parents, you’ll keep our relationship strong and over time, I’ll discover that I will, in fact, survive letting go of you just a little bit.

And then you’ll go and do it all over again.

Each milestone for you will break my heart just a little but I promise to try as hard as I can to keep those feelings hidden from you and instead, wish you well on your journey. I will trust that we raised you to be a strong, capable, woman with good instincts and a taste for adventure that, while immense, does not override your sound judgement.

It amazes me how much we love you already and how those feelings grow stronger by the day. I’m scared I will suffocate you with that love – both literally and figuratively – but fortunately for you, your father is less impetuous than I am and will likely save me from myself. Maybe it’s because we have shared the same space for all these months but I already feel an incredible bond to you and while I used to worry that you and I wouldn’t be as close as me and my mom are (I mean, can a girl really be that lucky?) I no longer possess those fears. We will have our own special relationship and it will grow and blossom organically. It won’t be like any one I’ve had before and now that I’ve had time to think about it, I don’t want it to be.

I love you to the moon and back.


Your mama

2 thoughts on “To you…at 31 weeks.

  1. Colie this is so beautiful. I love your writting. Our baby girl is going to be so loved. Being the first does hold a special place in a parents heart. That said, being the baby myself, I always knew that to your Nona I would remain her baby as you will. Babies are so special and you will never out grow your baby status with Dad and I. Adult babies need love always.

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