I’ve been waking up at exactly 4:00 in the morning quite a bit lately. Like, wide awake and out of bed. I’m not exactly sure why this is happening and it makes going to work the next day terribly difficult but I know that it’s a right of passage into motherhood and more often than not, I’ll be awake in these wee hours for the next few months so I might as well get used to finding the beauty in these moments.
This morning, I laid in better longer than normal. Lola was resting her head on my forearm and snoring peacefully and I just didn’t have it in me to wake her. I reached for my phone and my ear buds and lay there listening to a couple of my hypnobirthing meditations hoping they’d lull me back to sleep.
Instead, I found myself playing ALO’s “Waitin’ for Jaden” over and over in my head. I’m not quite sure why since I haven’t listened to this album in a long time and we’re certainly not feeling the “wait” for our little nugget quite yet but still, there it was.
I hope that she doesn’t go past our due date but at the same time, I know I’ll miss the experience of having her inside of me. I’ve heard it compared to a ghost limb and I can only imagine what a strange feeling that must be. But then I also can’t imagine what it will be like to actually know her. To see her face, take in her scent, watch her grow right before my very eyes. Awesome. That’s all I can think. Just awesome.
There is a quote from the movie, Meet Joe Black, that my dad uses all the time. He uses it in reference to 9/11 and he’s been using it lately whenever he refers to Baby Girl’s birth. In fact, he just said it to Mike the other night when they were discussing the incredible mark that having children leaves on your soul.
Right now, I’m trying so hard to relish the “before this” with the knowledge that any day now, “after this” will inevitably come and we will be forever changed. I find myself looking at Mike differently. At Lola differently. At my parents, career, friends, and reflection in the mirror differently. My rational side knows that my life is about to change – completely and totally – and I feel ready for that change to happen. Still, there’s a piece of me that loves my life and has loved it for a very long time. I hope I don’t mourn these days, this little family we created when it was just the two of us and a furbaby. I hope I look back on these years like I do high school and college – with appreciation for the great memories they gave me and with complete and total awe at how my life only managed to get better as the years went on.
So, no. we haven’t entered “waiting” mode just quite yet. We’re still in a place of quiet anticipation and I’m enjoying it as much as I can – despite the waddling, sleepless nights, sore calves, and overall aches and pains that come with being nine months pregnant. But something tells me, if I’m still sitting here three weeks from now with a 30 lb. watermelon under my shirt, this song will most definitely grow in significance. For us both.