Photo credit: Leigh Castelli Photography
Dear my sweet Belly Baby:
You have become so very, very real in our lives as of late. In the last month you have gone from a presence we were looking forward to meeting in the near future to one that may enter our lives at any moment.
It’s so hard to capture all of the emotions I’m feeling as we countdown to your birthing day but I’m going to do my very best because I know when it’s all over I’ll be hard pressed to remember exactly how I feel right now. At least, that’s the way it’s been with Savannah.
To be honest, I fluctuate between feelings of quiet anticipation and a total desperation for “just a few more days” before our big meeting. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared to see how your addition into our lives is going to change everything. My rational side knows it will all change for the better but there’s still a part of me that fears how our relationship with Savannah will be affected in the process. She’s been an only child for 2 years and 8 months now and we’ve poured every bit of ourselves into her during that time. All of my friends reassure me that my heart will grow the second I meet you and I know they’re right because I watched them overcome the same fears. Still, I just can’t imagine how that’s humanly possible since she currently consumes every part of me.
The funny thing is, I know Savannah is going to process this transition just fine. She’s thrilled to be a big sister and even more thrilled to meet and love on you. It’s me I’m worried about. I know that the minute you are born I will be lost in a haze of newborn ether. You will become my world and I will walk around telling everyone the same thing I did with Savs in those first months – we share a heart, there’s just no two ways about it. I fear that during that period I will lose all sense of myself and forget that I am actually a mommy to two precious gifts now; two beautiful souls that need all of me in a way that I can’t imagine. Again, I know I’m being crazy but if I’m honest with myself then I’ll admit this is exactly how I’m feeling right now.
I’ve been sleeping with Savannah a lot this week. I tell your Daddy it’s because I can’t sleep and don’t want to wake him up. But in reality, I just want to soak her up for as long as I can. She wraps her arms and legs around me in her sleep and snuggles her head under the crook of my arm. I just lay there in the middle of the night breathing her in and praying for an endless supply of these moments in the days/years to come.
I’m pretty sure I’m going crazy and I’m just going to chalk it all up to pregnancy hormones flowing through an overly emotional woman to begin with. I mean I bawled while watching Dirty Dancing for the 1000th time the other day. Come on!
Meanwhile, you are growing so strong. You twist and turn inside of me and doing summersaults in the middle of the night is definitely your favorite pastime. You’ve been head down and in position for some time now and I’m officially getting kicks to the ribs which I remember so fondly from those last days with your sister.
You have put more of a strain on my back than my first pregnancy and I’m battling a mean case of sciatica down my left side. The only relief is a warm bath, heating pad and laying down and fortunately, I’m on maternity leave now so I can’t make any excuses not to do exactly that. I’ve been going stir crazy all week because sitting still just isn’t in my DNA but there really isn’t much left to do to prepare for your arrival. Our bags are packed and ready to go, your room is set up perfectly, cloth diapers washed and ready, and the car seats are installed.
The general consensus is still that you’re a boy although something inside of me insists that a little girl is growing in there. Either way, we are patiently anticipating that moment that Dr. James announces, “It’s a …!” Boy or girl, you are going to complete our little family in a way we never could’ve imagined.
This may or may not be the last letter I write before meeting you. Just know that you are so loved already and that there is a big, beautiful world waiting to greet you. Your Daddy and I promise to protect you as go, give you space to grow, encourage you to venture out, and provide a safe space to land when you fall.
We share a heart.
Loving you always,
35 Weeks – Pregnancy #1
And more from my maternity photo shoot: